“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” ~Mark Twain

(Warning: Expletives ahead. If you’re a fragile snowflake afraid of a little harsh (yet healing) vocabulary, turn away. Move onto the next article. No hard feelings… If not, start with this video about the efficacy of the word “Fuck.”)

Here’s the thing: There are too many fucks given to stupid petty shit, and not enough given to amazing and magical shit. That’s a problem. We’ve all suffered from this problem to some extent. It usually happens when the category-five shitstorm of our lives takes us for a spin and we lose sight of what really matters.

Magical shit is what really matters, despite how dangerous or risky it may be. Life is too short to squander it on stupid shit, no matter how safe or comfortable that stupid shit may be.

Unfortunately, what’s magical shit and what’s not varies slightly from person to person. We all have a different psychophysiological reaction to any given stimuli, however minute. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and whatnot. Which is why the best place to start learning how to save your fucks for magical shit is with yourself…

1.) Focus on your own shit:

“When you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.” ~ Katie Goodman

In the crashing plane of an unhealthy culture, a healthy person places the oxygen mask on themselves first.

Oxygen is life, literally. Metaphorically, oxygen represents health. And becoming healthy is the fastest way to get to the point to where you can distinguish magical shit from stupid shit. You must be capable of this distinction before you can decide where all your fucks will go. Let alone become unfuckwithable.

Unfortunately, in an unhealthy culture, we are usually taught (conditioned/brainwashed/propagandized) to give our fucks to stupid petty shit. But that is precisely why the “plane” is crashing. And that is also why we are needing to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. We must focus on our own shit before we have a go at other people’s shit. Otherwise, there will just be shit everywhere. Once we get our own shit in order, we might earn the right to help others with their shit.

2.) Stop accepting shit you hate:

“Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil.” ~Unknown

The healthier you become, the more you realize what you hate. Or, at least, the more you become aware of that which is unhealthy. Stupid petty shit tends to be unhealthy. Amazing magical shit tends to be healthy. It really is that simple. Of course, there is always moderation to consider, which is a cornerstone of health of course, but, barring anything too extreme, amazing magical shit is almost always healthy.

But somewhere between the authoritarian platitudes of “because I told you to,” and “it’s just the way things are, deal with it,” we lost sight of this simplicity. As a result, we are left drowning in unhealthy shit that we’re somehow just supposed to accept because that’s the way things are.

Well, fuck that!

You can take that dull-witted, brainwashed, pantomimed, puppet-stringed shit and shove it back where the sun doesn’t shine. We’re not having it. The sweet oxygen of health that we learned by focusing on our own shit has us wide awake and aware to those pithy diatribes of ill-reason and ill-health. In other words: that shit won’t fly anymore. We’re onto what’s healthy and what’s not healthy. From now on, we’re choosing health by embracing what we love over accepting what we hate.

3.) Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on:

“The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

There’s a reason why people have mid-life crises. There’s a reason why people make bucket lists. There’s a reason why people say, “spend your money on experiences rather than things.” I won’t get into those reasons, because that would make this article about something else. I only point it out to showcase the importance of taking the next step…

Sometimes you’ve just got to shrug your shoulders, grit your teeth, laugh at your past, stare into the void of your future, take the Bull of the Present by the horns, and say fuck it! Get busy living, or get busy dying.

All that stupid petty shit piling up around you in the steaming shit-heap of an unhealthy culture? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on. All the congealed rage and dead patterns of a profoundly sick society? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on. All the livingry turned weaponry at the expense of both human and environmental health? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

But, and here’s the rub, learn from it. Own up to your personal responsibilities regarding it. Reconcile with your shadows entanglement with the shit-show of it all. Embrace the fact that your ignorance and your codependence led to the reeking pile of shit that is (was) your wasted life. But then chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on to something healthier. Something less hateful and sick. Something less weaponized and hyper-violent. Something less shadowy and more brotherly. Even better, transform your shadow into your brother. Then the both of you together, as empowered allies, can seek out all the magical shit worth giving your fucks to.

4.) Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit:

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” ~Lily Tomlin

Now, it’s time for a little meditation and solitude. You’ve focused on your own shit enough to make sense of it. You’ve figured out the shit you hate. You’ve moved on from the stupid pettiness of it all. Now it’s time to focus on breathing. It’s time to listen to the deep silence of your heart. This video about an “honest” meditation will help.

Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit. Breathe in health, breathe out ill-health. Breathe in reason, breathe out ill-reason. Breathe in empathy, breathe out apathy. Breathe in love, breathe out hate. Breathe in giving a fuck about magic shit, breathe out giving a fuck about petty shit.

Keep breathing. Keep meditating. Keep listening to your heart. The heart is more than pulse and rhythm. It speaks a language older than words. Tune into it. Feel it. Through and through. Balls to bones. Ovaries to marrow. Then say fuck it! And have a good laugh. Because the cosmic joke is ever-looming, and you will always be the punchline. –Oh, fucking, well!

5.) It’s all bullshit, but knowing it sets you free:

“Attitude is the difference between ordeal and adventure.” ~ Karl Frei

The difference between someone who “knows” the path and someone who walks the path, is a good sense of humor. Enlightenment is more about the humorous journey than it is about some rigidly defined “answer” or destination. That’s why the person who understands that it’s all bullshit is more likely to be enlightened than the one who believes that their own bullshit is true.

It’s all about attitude. It’s all about disposition. It’s all about asking better questions and less about seeking better answers. Time goes by. Eventually enough time goes by and makes what you thought you knew obsolete. Then where are you? Well, it depends on your attitude. If you were rigidly and dogmatically clinging to a particular basket, then you’d probably be crushed under the heavy blow that your worldview has suddenly become invalid (or maybe your cognitive dissonance is so strong that it keeps you mired in ignorance).

But if you had an open-minded, flexible, and humorous disposition regarding your “answers” then there would have never been any basket serious enough or worthy enough to hold all your “eggs” in the first place, and so you would not be so devastated. You’d be more likely to just shrug your shoulders, have a good laugh at yourself, and move on with your new knowledge in tow. Indeed. You’d be more likely to embrace the wise words of Aristotle, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

6.) Fuck Namaste, embrace Kidmaste:

“The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire.” ~Carl Jung

The secret is this: you are not thrown into the fire; you are the fire. Few people understand this. Most people don’t have the wherewithal to be fire. Because they are too damn busy being moths.

When I say, “fuck Namaste,” I don’t mean fuck the sentiment of the expression. Not at all. The sentiment is a beautiful thing. No, I mean fuck the pretense of it. I mean fuck the fancy all-too-serious fakery of it. I mean strip the spiritual ego and show us your vulnerable truth. Only then will the god within me be able to see/honor the god within you.

That’s why I say embrace Kidmaste: the kid within me honors the kid within you. We’re all just a kid from somewhere. In the grand scheme of things, we live relatively short lives. Really, we’re not that far removed from that little kid we once were. The mask is that we’ve “grown up.”

Adults are just kids that forgot how not to take themselves too seriously. An adult who is in touch with their inner child is more flexibly robust and able to handle the vicissitudes of life than an adult who is not. Indeed. There is more maturity in a spoonful of humble, humorous, playful, child-like vulnerability than in an oceanful of indifferent, serious, rigid, “adult-like” invulnerability. As Dr. Seuss said, “Adults are just obsolete children.”

7.) Be unfuckwithable:

“In order to truly be unfuckwithable, you need to lose your need to seek validation or love from others and to judge them when you perceive that they are not giving you what you need.” ~ Vishen Lakhiani

Unfuckwithable (adj.): When you are truly at peace and in touch with yourself, and nothing anyone says or does bothers you, and no negativity or drama can touch you. ~Urban Dictionary

The secret of unfuckwithability is giving genuine heartfelt fucks to a worthy cause. That’s where the magic is. It can’t be pointed at. It can only be sought after. It cannot be taught. It can only be felt. If that’s too cryptic for you, try this: Nobody but you can discover the magic that’s unique to you.

When you’re able to find the sweet spot intersection between the things you love to do –and when you’re able to be fully present in that sacred space– you become invincible. Not in an invulnerable way, mind you. But in an absolutely vulnerable way. The kind of vulnerability that Millman’s Peaceful Warrior teaches. The kind of vulnerability found in deep Flow States. The kind of vulnerability found in mindfulness meditation. The kind of vulnerability found in authentic laughter and sincere humor. The kind of vulnerability found in saying fuck it! Life is too short to allow stupid petty shit to bring me down.

You have freed yourself up for greater and greater freedom. Now you are free to always win, because even when you “lose” you gain knowledge. Even through your mistakes, you become wise. Having left your cage behind, you have willingly walked through the open door of your own shit-filled prison cell. You now have the physical, mental, and spiritual audacity to rattle the cages of others and to reveal to them as Rumi revealed to us all: “Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?” Indeed. Why do you give a fuck about petty bullshit when you could give a fuck about magical bullshit instead?


Image: Pixabay